Saturday, 26 November 2016

Few Months After Our Marriage, His True Color Shows


I met my husband Akilu when I was in my second year in the university. I've had so many broken relationships. I was busy nursing my broken heart when I met my husband. It started like a close friendship before it later turned out to be a sweet love. I thought he just wanted a fling because we met on social media. To be honest, I didn't take him seriously due to how we met. Our relationship was blossoming with time, he is a custom officer but he was always creating time for me both physically and virtually. I was in a new world; he made me feel like a queen. I was always happy; you know how love is sweet when it is new. Hmmmm... And when it come to finances, he never hesitated to do anything for me, it even reached a stage where I will just receives alerts from him unexpectedly without any request or complain.

We never fought nor argued until Akilu started talking about marriage. I thought he was joking until when I asked him to send his wards to come and ask for my hand formally. They did all the procedures the contemporary Fulani way. I was very happy. His family members were very happy he got himself a very beautiful wife because Akilu is very handsome.
I had a problem in school because I was given a social science course and I was a science student in secondary school. I had to change my course because I couldn't cope. I had to step down because I changed my course. I was doing well when I changed to a full science course. I then asked Akilu what will happen to my education after our wedding and he said he will enroll me in another school in the state where we will reside. I told my mother and she was ok with the arrangement. I never doubted him because he has never failed me before.

It was a new session in school, registration was going on. Akilu insisted for me not to register that session because we were going to get married and I will go to a new school. My friend advised me to continue with my registration but Akilu and I always had huge fights whenever he called and notice the noisy background of the convocation square where registration in my school takes place. He kept saying: “you are wasting your time and money by doing that”. I was so much in love with him, “kuma an bashi ni, saura a daura mana aure kawai”, I had to do as he said because I never saw anything negative coming. I stopped going to school, I didn't go on with my registration, and I didn't tell any other person besides my mother. Am her last born, the baby of the house, I got all that I wanted.

Wedding arrangements were in process in both sides. I was very happy because I am going to marry a man like Akilu, handsome, religious, good job and a lot more. I was his queen and him my pride. He took the fatherly position I missed in my life since after my father's demise.
Our wedding date was fixed. It was a few days to exams in my school, my friends asked how I'd cope with both but I didn't give them a convincing answer, the closer ones to me knew our plans with Akilu concerning school.
The wedding came with a lot of events for me from all angles; all my older ones wanted to mark my wedding in a special way. My wedding took place in three states including Akilu's state katsina. His family is there; his work, friends and everything are there.
After our honeymoon, Akilu's true colors started emerging. He kept late nights without any genuine explanation. I would stay up late and scared waiting for him to return home but whenever he enters the house, he won't even give me a second look until when want to satisfy his needs. I thought it was stress from his usual hectic work but hell no, it wasn't. That's Akilu's life. I thought after a few complaints to him he would change but he worsened.

I started talking about going back to school as he promised but he never responded to me. I later on asked him if he can't sponsor me through school my family can, but that was what infuriated him. “Wa ya fada miki bani da kudin kaiki makaranta”? I have more than enough but I can't see you going to school from my house! Do you think am a fool ? How can I ever allow you go to school and you will start having extra marital affairs? I was devastated, is this really the Akilu I courted and loved. He made me drop out of school only for him to say he will never be comfortable if I'd be going to school. I let him be for that moment.

After sometime, I brought up the issue again and he clearly told me nothing will ever make him change his mind about that. I cried all night, I didn't know what to do or what to tell my mother and siblings. My friends kept asking me about school but I kept on lying to them. I had to tell my mother the truth and I asked her to speak to him about it but to no avail, he didn't say a word to her but only for him to come and bombard me with insults, accuses me of reporting him to my mother. I had to let go of the whole thing then.

 Akilu was just changing by the day. He had the nerves to call his girlfriends when we were in bed. I asked him why is he doing that, but he said "ai a haka na same ki". I asked him if he wanted to take another wife and he said no, he's just having fun with them, claiming I have become so boring that he didn't like my company. I asked him if there's anything I'd do to change the situation of things but he never listened to me. I didn't know who I'd tell this time around, I then told his mum about everything only for her to tell me " Su ya’yan su basu lefi", they have brought them up well and all that they do is right. I was shocked to hear that. I asked myself that why would she defend him? At least she should talk to him. I decided to talk to him again about us. I had to find a suitable time when we were happy, I then started laying my complains to him about him one after the other, only for him to say am not serious. This is how he is and nothing can change him. I then decided to leave everything in Allah's hand that brought us together. I never stopped praying for the best out of that marriage. His family members were not helping matters, they supported him in each and every illicit act he did. I just kept wondering why someone will just pretend to be an angel while courtship and be a devil over night just because he got what he wanted. But am not surprised, that's how they are in the family, his elder brother married four times in five years, and his dad uncountable times, it's really in their blood and that can't be changed, he's right. I decided to be patience, get used to him and live with him that way, moreover aure ibadah ne, even though I never expected a perfect marriage but not this bad from Akilu. He stopped caring for me. We became like strangers to each other.

Akilu came back home early one day, I was happy. I made one of his favorite meals. We ate together, we sat down and we were gisting. I was very happy, my husband was changing for good, only for me to go to the kitchen to keep the dirty dishes we ate from and clean them, before I returned to the sitting room, he was on the phone with another woman, imagine. I tried my best to calm myself down but I couldn't. I asked him to please respect me and end the call but he refused, he continued with his call and was saying that he missed the girl so much, she should return back to katsina soon please, he's now stuck with me in the house and it's killing him. I then asked him why he married me if he will come and be giving me this ill treatment. I was so amgry, I went to bed that night with a shattered heart. I didn't know what to do and I was pregnant already. Whenever I asked him to stop calling his girlfriends when he's home but all he says was "ai a haka kema na same ki". Imagine how ill mannered someone can be. Rudeness at its best, I was just praying my child does not inherit Akilu. I became a sadist over night. Nothing was interesting at that time; all I was praying for was a safe delivery.

I was all alone at home one night only for me to start feeling a very excruciating pain in my back and below my abdomen, I thought I could endure it but I couldn't. I called Akilu several times but he didn't respond, I sent him an SMS but he still did not respond. I then decided to call anyone I could get from his family, I was able to get his sister and mum and told them about my condition, they came and took me to the hospital, and the doctors confirmed I was in a premature labour which is always caused by stress and distress. Akilu came to the hospital afterwards. I cried my eyes out that night not just because I was in pain but because of what caused me that pain. I and my baby were in great danger, but alhamdulillah, I had my daughter prematurely. She was incubated afterward for a while and we were discharged from the hospital. We were given strong warning concerning carrying her because she was pre matured. I birthed her when my pregnancy was seven months old. My family members came to see me and my baby; two people were assigned to my care due to my condition.

I thought the coming of our daughter would change Akilu but no, it did not. He continued in his usual ways and I was dying emotionally. My mother came to see me and my daughter and she was complaining bitterly how bad I was looking. I told her it was the pregnancy and child birth that caused it, she wasn't convinced and I knew it. She asked me about going back to school and I told her the truth about our discussion with Akilu, she was very angry and disappointed. She then opined I should start something with my life and I told her I will have to discuss it with Akilu, I did and he still did not approve of it. I called and told her about his decision and she said we should give time and the issue will be brought up again.

My siblings got tired of my idleness and they started asking me questions I didn't want to answer but I had to tell them the truth eventually. They said that can never happen he must be spoken to. Three of my brothers called him to hear his own side and reasons but what they got was gross disrespect and said I was his wife and I must do what he wanted, they didn't dispute that and let him be for some time and they brought up the matter again. That was another phase of my problems. Whenever he was spoken to, a series of plague treatment must be the aftermath of questioning him. My family got tired of it and they asked him to allow me come home for a while, he didn't dispute because I meant nothing to him. I was happy I was going to have a break from all that. I went home with my daughter Nana. Weeks passed and Akilu has never called us for once to ask how we were doing, if I called him, it's either he won't pick the call or when he receives the call he claimed to be busy. I told my mother and she called my eldest brother and told him. He called Akilu several times but he refused to pick his calls.

 Lucky enough, I was able to speak with him after a few days. He poured out his heart to me, I was devastated. He said he got tired of the marriage a long time ago, he was looking for an excuse to opt out of the marriage but one never presented itself, but now that am home already, I should just stay. He will send me my written divorce and make arrangements of how I will pack out of his house. I asked him to be more patient and give it time but he refused. I couldn't believe my ears. I waited for him for days to change his mind but he did not. I had to tell my mother, she was devastated and infuriated with anger and shock. I told her I was fine, she shouldn't worry but honestly I was.
My aunts and cousins went and packed all my belongings and took them home. None of his family members has ever called to know how I was doing or Nana.
My brothers said I should start preparing to go back to school, that was when Akilu and his mother called me and asked me to wean Nana and return her to them, telling me"bazan dinga zuwa musu ya won banza da diyar su ba". Am still unable to get admission but I've been enrolling in vocational training classes. Alhamdulillah am now a good baker and a makeup artist. Nana is more than a year and she's still with me.
I guess you should be wise enough not to believe in a man hundred percent. Never test the depth of water with both feet because that water you so much love drowns you.
This is my story; I hope you learn a thing or two from it.
We share our stories with people to serve as deterrence to ourselves and our readers as well, but not a form of exploitation or exposure of our real life situations. Thank you for reading my divorce diary.
Inside Arewa's Blog: My Neighbor Chapter 4   Wednesday, 23rd November, 2016
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