Child Abuse: Let's Act Now Before Its Late

I sat looking at my friend’s beautiful little 18-month-old daughter and I looked long and hard. The more I looked, the more all I wanted to do was to love and protect her. I constantly whisper quick prayers to God to this effect concerning children I come across on a daily basis. I could be driving along a road and see one of those little children out hawking and breathe a quick prayer for his protection; or it could be for a group of schoolchildren I see, happily on their way to or from school.

I love children.
Shouldn’t this be everybody’s reaction to these precious little ones? I just cannot, for the life of me, understand why an adult would look at a child and want to harm it, and we’re talking about sexual abuse here. An issue we unfortunately can no longer ignore or refer to in hushed tones in this country.
Thousands and thousands of children suffer under the oppression of this vilest of inhumane crimes in silence, because society would rather deny its existence. But we can’t any longer. There are grown-ups all over this country,’ misbehaving’ and ‘malfunctioning’ as a result of the abuse they experienced as children and could find no help for.

A beautiful young woman and her husband fight all night, every night, because she just can’t seem to release herself to her husband sexually. What he doesn’t know and what she cannot tell him, or anyone else for that matter, is that her father abused her sexually for years from when she was just five years old.

Young men are ashamed of their sexuality and don’t know how to handle it; men and women are not able to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships with the opposite sex. Very few of those around them realise that it’s because as children, they were molested or raped by an adult and in most cases, an adult they loved and trusted.

A young girl feels ugly and worthless and so gives in to the sexual advances of just any man and every man because surely, if she was worth anything, her uncle, her father and that man in the bus one day wouldn’t have touched her the way they did and done to her the things they did when she was small, she thinks. Now she’s in university and people call her cheap, ‘loose’; but this is the only way she knows how to respond to men – without resistance. That’s how she was ‘taught’. That’s how as a child, the fear that was driven into her by the threats of her abuser made her respond.

Adults all over this country – mostly women, but men too – are living their lives from the premise of so much mental, emotional and physical dysfunction, because they were abused sexually as children. Surely this cannot be good for us and our children after us. It is reported that one in five women and one in 10 men were abused sexually as children.

It’s sickening. More so because the perpetrators are usually family members – fathers, uncles, close neighbours, teachers; people that children trust and look up to. So the child-victim gets confused. She loves the person violating her because he’s daddy (for example), but then hates him because of what he’s doing to her. She doesn’t even fully understand what goes on each time he comes to her, but she knows it’s wrong. Something inherent in human nature rejects the whole act. As she grows and realises what it is that’s being done to her, she begins to feel isolated in her situation (of course, because nobody else is talking about theirs). So feelings of worthlessness and inferiority begin to set in. After all, if she was any good, why would it be happening to only her? she reasons.

You see, the abusers use fear and/or emotional blackmail to keep their young, defenceless victims silent: “You know that you’re my favourite daughter. I love you, that’s why I do this; that’s why you must let me do this.” Or, “You know that if you tell your mother this, it’ll kill her. Her blood pressure can’t take it.” Worse still, “If you tell anyone, I’ll deny it and you’ll end up being hated by everyone. Is this happening to anyone else? They’ll say you’re sick.” Or, “If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you…”

The trauma of it all for a child is unimaginable. We need to work hard, extra hard to protect our children from this scourge. Too many have already suffered and are still suffering as a result of it. Some little ones have even lost their lives because of it.

It is not just something we read about as happening in Britain or Holland or America anymore. Need I quote the number of cases reported in the newspapers every day? Not even this whole newspaper would provide enough space for such a depressing exercise. Parents, especially mothers, must be extra vigilant. Sadly, it has come to this; we have to rob our little girls and boys of their innocence as we explain why they shouldn’t sit on just any man’s lap, no matter what, and as we have to tell them to report anybody – man or woman – who touches them in a ‘bad’ way. Sex education has to start a lot earlier for children; parents cannot shy away from this or leave it to a teacher or someone else to do.

Without being over-suspicious, or making our children fearful, we have to teach them how to recognise a predator and what to do in the event of an attempt against them. And if you ever discover an offender, no, don’t castrate him, no matter how strong the urge to do so might be, but do report him or her to the police and other relevant authorities immediately. Do not think that because you’ve been able to rescue your child or maybe your neighbour’s that it’s all over. The responsible thing is to make sure the person is reported and so stopped. If you leave the person to go free, he or she will go on to mess up the body and so mind and life of some other and another and yet another child. This may be hard and in some cases considered shameful, especially when the offender is a relative, but reporting the incident will stop the offender and let the child know you are doing all you can to protect him or her, because you love him/her and he/she deserves to be protected. It can be reported in a way that will not expose the victim(s) to undue publicity.

An article by Prevent Child Abuse America cites the following on what sexual child abuse is and signs that it is taking place:

Sexual abuse is when an adult or an older child forces sexual contact on a younger child.

Any of the following acts by an adult or older child are sexual abuse:

Fondling a child’s genitals

Getting a child to fondle their genitals

Mouth to genital contact with a child

Rubbing their genitals on a child

Penetrating a child’s vagina or anus

Showing their genitals to a child

Showing pornographic or ‘dirty’ pictures or videotapes to a child

Using a child as a model to make pornographic materials

Signs that a child is being abused sexually include:

Noticeable new fear of a person (even a parent) or certain places

Unusual or unexpected response from the child when asked if she was touched by someone

Drawings that show sexual acts

Abrupt changes in behaviour, such as bed-wetting or loss of bowel control

Sudden awareness of genitalia

Sexual acts and words shared with other children or animals

Questions about sexual activity that are beyond the child’s development

Changes in sleep habits, such as nightmares in young children

Constipation or refusal to have bowel movements

Physical signs of abuse may include the following:

Anal or genital redness, or bleeding

Unusual discharge from the anus or vagina

Sexually transmitted diseases such as gonorrhoea, Chlamydia, or genital warts

Repeated urinary tract infections in females

Pregnancy, in older females

To prevent your child from falling victim to sexual abuse, The American Academy of Paediatrics encourages you to take the following steps:

Talk to your child about sexual abuse. If your child’s school sponsors a sexual abuse programme, discuss what he/she learned.

Teach your child which body parts are private and the proper names of those parts. Let him know that his/her body belongs to him/her. Tell your child to yell “no” or “stop” to anyone who may threaten him sexually.

Listen when your child tries to tell you something, especially when it seems hard for him to talk about it. Make sure your child knows it’s okay to tell you about any attempt to molest him/her or touch him/her in a way that made him/her feel uncomfortable, no matter who the abuser may be. Let him/her know he/she can trust you and that you will not be angry with him/her if he/she tells you.

Give your child enough time and attention. Weekly family meetings can be used to talk about all good and bad experiences.

Know the adults and children with whom your child is spending time. Be careful about allowing your child to spend time alone or in out-of-the-way places with other adults or older children. Make visits to your child’s caregiver [house help, nanny, day care centre baby sitter etc.] without notice. Ask your child about his/her visits to the caregiver or with child sitters.

Never let your child enter a stranger’s home without a parent or trusted adult.

Check to see if your child’s school has an abuse prevention programme for the teachers and children. If it doesn’t, start one.

Tell someone in authority if you suspect that your child or someone else’s child is being abused. (The American Academy of Paediatrics)

Covering up the act in shame doesn’t help in any way at all. If we must rid our society of this heinous crime against minors, while we wait for better measures and legislation on child rights and protection and stiffer penalties for paedophiles and other sex offenders, and for institutions where victims can feel safe to get proper help and counselling, please, no more silence…