Our first story outside
the Arewa region, but location does not matter since the main character is
Inside Arewa reader too;
My name is Oyinkasola
Olaitan Clegg. I'm a 35 years old lady. I'm single. And there is absolutely
nothing wrong with me. But I have had to say this either verbally or otherwise
to so many people in the course of the last few years that sometimes I begin to
wonder if there’s really nothing wrong with me.
Don’t get me
wrong, they don’t come and tell me “you are not married Oyin, something must be
wrong with you." No. They would never do that. But say it, they did, loud
and clear.
Let me not bore you with
those parts of my life. As a background, I am a good looking Yoruba girl, well
shaped the way African men like their women, with flesh in the right
places.
I have a first
degree from the University of Lagos and a Masters Degree from the University
College, London. I am tush, fresh and a high flyer.
I even have the
dream job, a CSR person in an oil firm. And I like to live life to its fullest.
These are the stories of my encounters, escapades and experiences as I search
for the man who will leave his family and cleave to me.
Who will
love me forever?
Who will make my
life eternal bliss. Okay, okay, okay, I am doing it again. I tend to project
the stories I read into life. Never mind, I am old enough to know that stories
are just that, stories.
Its Friday
night.
And when you say
that in Lagos social circles, it could only mean one thing; ditch the suits and
let the short dresses, body hugging jeans and bust enhancing tops come
forth.
And so I called up
my friends Toke and Gloria and we agreed to meet up at Mega Plaza to start the
night with some chips and seafood.
I shutdown at five
o' clock and drove straight home to my apartment in Carlton Gate Estate in
Lekki. Inside the house, I flopped into my couch and turned on my companion at
home, my TV. Now pardon me, but I wonder how life must have been before the
TV.
If I was lost on
an island and I could take only one item along, it had to be either my BB or my
TV (see how we have a knack for reducing things to two letter words).
As I settled in to
rest in reserve for the long night ahead, my phone rang. I glanced at the
screen to confirm who it was. It was just Kalu. I was hoping it would be
somebody else. I had been ignoring BB messages from him all day and I guess he
calculated I’d be off work now and decided to call.
Okay, a little
background on him. I am 35 and single (I know I’ve said it before but I need to
re-emphasize) so when I really need to get some, and there’s no serious person
around, I do the phone select.
Here’s how it’s
done. You pick your phone and scroll through your contacts list and eliminate
men based on certain criteria. What you want is a no strings attached person
who will not interpret a night together as an invitation to a long term
relationship.
So you cancel out
the fervent toasters, the guys who have been having settling down conversations
with you (considering you didn’t consider them settling down material and latch
on all the while you’ve been having such conversations) and other such
over-serious people.
By now, you’ve
narrowed the list down. Then you eliminate those who are in places so far it
requires too much effort to see. I stay in Lekki, so if you stay in places like
Ipaja, Ikorodu and the likes, I ex you from the list.
Now I have a
probable list. Then I go into the fineries of history together, attraction and
settle on a few options. I then put a call through to the best option of the
lot and drop a few hints.
If he catches on,
game on. If he doesn’t, I round the conversation off and move on to the next
until I hit jackpot.
This was the
rigorous screening process I had put Kalu through, but we get wrong sometimes.
I was very wrong with Kalu. After the night together (that’s a story for
another day), he became all he wasn’t meant to be. Clingy, intrusive and needy.
Anyways, back to the
present. I picked the call and the conversation went something like this
Kalu: Hey Princess
Me: Kalu, whatsup (I
called him his name, he should get the message)
Kalu: You haven’t
responded to my messages all day
Me: I’ve had a full day.
Kalu: But you read all
the messages, it said R here. You could have sent a small message. Anyway, you
said had, so your workday is over. Are you going out?
Me: (Warning bells,
anything I say now will have Kalu trying to be a part of whatever plans) Yes.
I’m home now. No I’m not going out, I have a wedding tomorrow and want to rest
Kalu: Okay, I’ll buy
dinner and come over.
Me: (Alarm bells) Thanks
for the offer Kalu, but the girls are using my pad for a hen night for the
bride to be.
Kalu: (sighs). Okay,
I’ll see you after the wedding tomorrow.
Me: Call me before
heading o.
Kalu: Goodnight love
Me: Ciao.
Whew. That was close.
Quick thinking, quick lying saved the day. Now to rest and get ready for the
night out.
At 9:45, I was ready to
go out. I was hot, hot, hot. In fact, I was so hot, I was burnt and roasted,
lol. I said the spinster’s prayer and stepped out of the house.
I hooked up with
my girls at Mega Plaza. If you haven’t tried the chips and sea food there, then
you are a weist! We shared two plates and by then, it was eleven o'
clock.
We touched up and
smiled past the bouncers, very glad with the effect we saw our collective
hotness was having (you notice babes look finer as a group than alone)
We took the elevator and
then the small flight of stairs up into The Marquee. Lagos sha. People that
were at work complaining of tiredness a few hours ago at work were here
grooving away. As I was stepping in, someone bumped into me on his way
out.
I was about to
give the person “bad eye” when our eyes met. I felt like entering the ground.
It was Kalu.
I quickly gathered myself
together and smiled very charmingly, hoping to disarm him.
“Hi Kalu”, I said.
I was expecting him to go into a series of questions accusing me of lying to
him and all, when she came up to him.
Inside my inner
mind, green envy began to sprout. Her skin was clear like she had someone
following her around photoshoping her with each step she took. Abeg, when I see
person wey pass me, I admit it.
The girl was the
kind that entered a room and all the men in the room stopped seeing every other
girl in the room and became puppies all around her. She was addressing Kalu
now, “Boo, I told you to hold up, I just had to say hi to my friend now”.
The confirmation
that Koikoi (yes, I gave her a name) was with Kalu and they were obviously
intimate made the green monster in my heart leap. I felt a strong urge to punch
him in the face, but I respected myself. Why anyway? What claim did I really
have to Kalu?
The saying that
something becomes more desirable when it’s not yours hit me square in the face.
It was even more painful when I realized I was just 'one of the options' Kalu
had for the night.
Then it dawned on
me; Kalu had done the phone select, and I was one of the options that didn’t
work for that Friday night. The saying, “Do unto others as you would have done
unto you” is true o, cos now that I was on the receiving end, e pain me die.
Kalu quickly did the
introductions, and I could see a look in his eyes I suspected was gloating.
“Oyin Clegg, my friend,” he said pointing at me while facing her and then
turning to face me, he said with meaning “My special friend, Tara Cole”.
Ha! Even her name
was finer than my own. My night was firmly on the path of depression. They
breezed past us towards the spiral steps leading to the elevator, as Kalu said
coolly
“Enjoy your night
girls, and if you’re having any trouble enjoying yours, we’d be glad to help.”
To be continued
Saturday 22nd April
Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator
and other individuals in the story.
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